Drop and Give Me 20 Minutes of Funny Army Jokes!
Attention! Welcome to the barracks of brutal satire. We've compiled 50 of the funniest Army Jokes focused on rookie soldiers, drill sergeants, boots, ranks, and rations. This extensive collection of Army Jokes is certified high-impact adult humor, ensuring high dwell time and maximum engagement on Ultra Donkey. When the Barn Boss is happy, the jokes are filthy!
A new recruit asks his drill sergeant what the difference is between a colonel and a general.
The sergeant sighs and says, "Son, it's simple. A colonel is someone who sits back and lets his troops mess up his career. A general is someone who gets to mess up everyone else's."
Why did the soldier refuse to change his underwear?
Because he was already on his last legs!
A Captain rushes into the barracks and yells, "I need two volunteers to help cook dinner for the entire company!"
Two privates immediately raise their hands. The Captain asks why they were so eager. They both reply, "Sir, we figured it was better than eating your cooking!"
How many Army cooks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let the old one burn out and serve it for lunch.
What do soldiers call a week of continuous physical training?
Tuesday.
A recruit failed his hearing test. When the doctor asked him what happened, he said...
"I heard the whistle, but I didn't see the damn coffee!"
Two privates are complaining about their new assignment cleaning the latrines. The first says, "This is absolutely the worst job in the Army!"
The second private replies, "I don't know, have you ever tried cleaning the inside of a tank?"
What's the Army's motto?
If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, paint it. If it's too big to paint, regulate it.
A young soldier asked his sergeant why military training never includes jumping out of planes without parachutes.
The sergeant looked him dead in the eyes and said, "Because that's a mistake you only make once, Private."
A drill sergeant yells at a private, "I didn't see you at the morning run!"
The private says, "Thank you, Sir! I heard you were looking for me!"
What's the difference between a new recruit and a barrel of monkeys?
The barrel of monkeys is easier to train.
Why do they call them "boots"?
Because they track mud everywhere and are impossible to polish.
A rookie soldier gets back to the barracks and tells his friend, "Man, I just had the longest argument with the new cook about my dinner."
His friend asks, "Oh yeah? What was the final resolution?" The rookie replies, "I ate the resolution. It was a potato."
How do you know when a drill sergeant is having a bad day?
He gives you a promotion.
What's the first thing a private learns after basic training?
That a three-mile run is just a warm-up.
What did the private say after his first successful jump?
"Thank God that chute opened... if it didn't, I would have had to go back and do it again!"
Why did the Army stop giving out paper maps?
Because the new recruits kept folding them into hats.
A Colonel is yelling at a PFC who just backed a jeep into a supply closet. "Private! What in the seven rings of hell were you doing?"
The PFC, sweating, replies, "Sir, the sign said 'Drive Carefully' so I thought I should take it slow."
What is the primary difference between a First Lieutenant and a Second Lieutenant?
A First Lieutenant has at least been lied to by the staff *before* they lie to their men.
A drill sergeant finds a private sleeping during guard duty. He screams, "What are you doing? This is a serious offense!"
The private wakes up, rubs his eyes, and says, "Sorry, Sergeant, I was just dreaming I was on parade."
What is the hardest part about being a military chaplain?
Telling a soldier to go to hell, and meaning it.
Why is the food in the Army so bad?
Because you don't fight a war with full stomachs!
A recruit comes running into the medic's tent with a bleeding arm. "Doctor, I need a tetanus shot!"
The medic says, "I can do better than that, Private. Here, take this shovel and go bury yourself!"
What's the difference between a paratrooper and a box of chocolates?
You can always pick the paratrooper out of the box!
A Drill Sergeant asks his formation, "What's the Army's most valuable asset?"
A smart-aleck private yells, "A private who knows when to shut up!"
What's the difference between a high-ranking General and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking when you swat it.
A private complains to his sergeant, "I have this awful recurring nightmare where I'm standing guard duty in a blizzard with no coat!"
The sergeant nods. "That's not a nightmare, son. That's next week's field exercise."
Why did the recruit bring a ladder to his physical fitness test?
He heard he had to climb the ranks.
What's the fastest way to travel in the Army?
To go AWOL.
A drill sergeant yells, "Private, I didn't give you permission to scratch your head!"
The private replies, "I wasn't scratching, sir. I was just checking to see if my brain was still in there."
What do you call a soldier who manages to sleep through a mortar attack?
An accountant at the Pentagon.
Why do Army barracks have such small windows?
So the soldiers have less to look forward to.
A Colonel asks a new soldier to define "tactical withdrawal."
The soldier replies, "It's when you run away, but you scream 'Attack!' the whole time."
What is the Army's definition of "a full load"?
A backpack that only weighs 90 pounds.
Why do new Army recruits hate maps?
Because they keep folding them into paper airplanes instead of navigating.
A Lieutenant gets lost in the woods and fires three flares. No one comes. He fires three more flares. Still no one.
He says, "If I don't stop wasting these flares, I'm going to run out of ammo!"
What is the primary function of a rubber duck in the Army?
To be the only thing in the barracks that can float.
Why don't soldiers ever play hide and seek?
Because a good soldier is always found in the ranks.
What's the fastest way to get a promotion in the Army?
Get transferred to a unit that needs a warm body with a pulse.
What do you call a specialist who just follows orders without question?
Unemployed. (Because no one in the Army is that obedient!)
A soldier is trying to clean his rifle and asks his buddy, "How do you get this grime off the barrel?"
His buddy replies, "Just use your tongue, boot! It’s the closest thing you have to a cleaning rod."
Why did the cook join the Army?
He heard he could finally give orders.
A recruit is told to clean a 20-foot wall with a toothbrush. He asks his sergeant, "How long will this take, sir?"
The sergeant says, "Doesn't matter. You'll be retired before you finish."
What's the Army's most common phrase for dealing with a problem?
"That's not my lane."
An officer tells his new driver, "When you get to the gate, salute the guard, then stop the truck."
The driver slams on the brakes, opens the door, salutes the guard, and yells, "Now what, sir?"
What happens if a private asks for ketchup in the mess hall?
He gets issued five extra miles of ruck marching.
Why do officers use compasses?
To point the enlisted men in the wrong direction.
The General asks his aide to get him a weather report for the coming week.
The aide returns and says, "Sir, the forecast is for continued darkness, followed by an abrupt, blinding light."
What's the difference between the Army and a daycare?
One provides three meals a day and requires a nap; the other is the Army.
A rookie accidentally discharges his weapon inside the base. The sergeant yells, "What are you trying to do, private? Start a war?"
The private replies, "No, Sir. Just trying to end my duty for the day."