Best Funny Bar Jokes. Certified with a Kick!
Welcome to the ultimate saloon of laughs! We've collected the absolute best bar jokes — from clever, short bar jokes to funny, long-form narratives and classic bartender gags. Whether you need humor for happy hour or material for your next trivia night, this huge collection of funny bar jokes is guaranteed to keep the spirits high and the laughter flowing. Grab a drink and settle in!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He then pulls a tiny 12-inch pianist and a small frog from his pocket. The frog starts singing an amazing jazz standard.
The bartender says, "That's incredible! How'd you get them?" The man says, "I found a genie. My first wish was for a tiny pianist. My second was for a singing frog." The bartender sighs, "Ah, I see. And what about your third wish?" The man says, "I wished for a 12-inch penis." The bartender asks, "But why not a 12-foot penis?" The man says, "What? And ruin the whole act?"
What's the difference between a bar fight and a divorce?
In a bar fight, you don't lose half your money.
Why did the bartender break up with the coffee maker?
Because he kept getting mugged.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He hops up to the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
The bartender says, "Son, I don't know who shot your paw, but I bet I know where he keeps the cat!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants zipper. The bartender says, "Hey, Captain, do you know you have a steering wheel in your trousers?"
The pirate shrugs, "Arr, it's driving me nuts."
Did you hear about the new bar on the moon?
I heard it has no atmosphere.
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve string here."
The second piece of string furiously ties himself up in a knot and frays his ends. He then orders a drink, and the bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string I just kicked out?" The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A man walks into a bar and orders a single shot of vodka. He then looks at the two bowls of pretzels and peanuts and says, "I'd like to thank the house for these snacks."
The bartender says, "Those are for the dog." The man says, "Oh, I see. What's the dog doing?" The bartender says, "He's washing the dishes in the back."
A man goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "Can you make me a drink that tastes like a bad decision?"
The bartender hands him the drink and says, "Here you go. Tastes like texting your ex."
A man orders a drink and a shot of whiskey. He quickly drinks the whiskey and then places a miniature woman and a tiny dog on the bar. The woman starts tap-dancing while the dog plays the harmonica.
The astonished bartender asks, "That is amazing! How do you do it?" The man replies, "I found a magic lamp, and the genie granted me two wishes. My first wish was for a tiny tap-dancer, and my second was for a small harmonica-playing dog." The bartender says, "Wow! Why didn't you wish for a million dollars?" The man replies, "I did! But you heard the genie—he's hard of hearing."
A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of ten dollar bills. He asks the bartender, "What's the jar for?"
The bartender says, "It's the jackpot. If you can complete three challenges, the money is yours." The man says, "What are the challenges?" The bartender replies, "First, you have to drink this entire gallon of tequila. Second, you have to fight the gorilla out back. Third, you have to satisfy the old woman upstairs."
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve the walking dead."
Why did the cucumber refuse to drink at the bar?
Because he was worried about getting pickled.
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. He eats it, then pulls out a gun and fires it into the air, before walking out the door.
The bartender asks the waiter, "What was that all about?" The waiter replies, "I don't know, he's a panda. Look it up." The bartender checks a dictionary and reads: "Panda: A large bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost an electron."
The other asks, "Are you positive?"
A baby crawls into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, "You should be at home! What are you doing here?" The baby replies, "I'm having a mid-life crisis."
A group of philosophers walk into a bar.
They stand silently for an hour trying to decide if they are actually in the bar or if the bar is in them.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower at a bar?
A man about to take a shot.
A man walks into a bar with a bag full of human noses. He asks the bartender, "How long will it take to get a drink?"
The bartender replies, "About ten minutes. I'm afraid we're only going to get a small nose-count tonight."
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of gin. He checks his watch, orders another shot of gin, and checks his watch again.
The bartender asks, "Why do you keep checking your watch after every drink?" The man replies, "Because my wife has been sending me urgent texts that I've been missing for the last hour."
Why did the mushroom get kicked out of the bar?
Because he was a fungi and kept trying to buy everyone a round.
A server walks into the kitchen carrying an empty plate. The chef yells, "Where is the customer's sandwich?"
The server replies, "I ate it. I was starving, and I knew you couldn't eat me."
A man goes to the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a double shot of whiskey, and give yourself a quick wipe down with a cleaning cloth."
The bartender says, "Sir, I appreciate the drink order, but why the advice?" The man replies, "Because I just saw my wife walk in, and I want her to think I'm talking to you."
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar.
They each order a pint, and they spend the next three hours arguing over who should pay.
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "What can I get for you?"
The duck shouts, "I'll have a gin and tonic!" The bartender looks at the man and asks, "Where did you get that thing?" The man shrugs, "I don't know, it started as a small growth on my backside, but it gradually got larger and then this duck showed up."
The bartender asks a guy at the end of the bar, "What's wrong? You look like you just lost a million dollars."
The guy says, "I did! I was playing a game of chance with a stranger. We bet $100,000, and he won!" The bartender says, "That's awful! What did you bet on?" The guy says, "We bet on which of us could pee higher up the wall."
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
A man stumbles into a bar completely soaked. The bartender says, "Are you alright? What happened?"
The man says, "I tried to save a puppy from a sinking ship, and I got caught in the storm!" The bartender says, "That's the most beautiful, heroic thing I've ever heard!" The man says, "Thanks, but I'm never letting a ship full of puppies sail without a lifeguard again."
I asked the bartender if he knew how to make a Manhattan.
He said, "I don't know, but I know how to make a mess of myself."
A man goes to a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He then lifts up the barstool and drinks a beer, standing on one leg.
The bartender asks, "Why the strange gymnastics?" The man says, "My doctor told me I need to stop sitting and stop drinking beer, so I'm compromising."
Two vampires walk into a bar and order blood.
The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take your order. But I'll need a moment to process your transaction."
A magician walks into a bar.
He walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll have a beer, and I'll make you disappear!"
A man walks into a bar and sees a large bowl of water on the floor. He asks the bartender, "Why do you have that water?"
The bartender says, "It's for my dog, but you can drink it too if you like."
A man walks into a bar and sees a line of people waiting. He asks the last person, "What are they waiting for?"
The person replies, "They're waiting to buy a shot of the new drink that tastes like a broken relationship." The man asks, "What is it?" The person says, "Tears."
A bartender asks a regular customer, "What's the meaning of life?"
The customer thinks for a moment, takes a long sip of his beer, and says, "42, but that's just my opinion."
A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a beer and asks, "Why the big paws?"
The bear holds up his hands and replies, "I was born with them, you idiot!"
A guy at the bar leans over to the woman next to him and says, "Hey, want to hear a dirty joke?"
She says, "I'm sorry, I'm a nun. You shouldn't tell me that." The guy says, "Okay, how about this one: A nun walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka..."
What do you call a bar that only serves coffee?
A "latte" place.
A man walks into a bar with a block of asphalt under his arm. He says, "I'll take a beer, and one for the road."
The bartender says, "But what about the asphalt?" The man says, "Oh, he's just a regular black guy who hangs out here."
A man walks into a bar with a bag full of pennies. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer."
The bartender sighs, "You're going to give me a headache with all that change, but fine. Here's your drink." The man then dumps out the pennies and says, "Now I want another one."
Why did the skeleton go to the bar alone?
He had no body to go with.
A man runs into a bar and shouts, "Anyone here want to take a bet for $1000? I bet I can bite my own eye!"
A large man takes the bet. The first man quickly takes out his glass eye and bites it. The large man grudgingly pays up. The first man shouts, "I bet another $2000 that I can bite my other eye!" The large man thinks, "He can't possibly have two glass eyes." The first man bites his natural eye, then bites the glass eye. The large man pays up again, speechless.
A cat walks into a bar and orders a shot of catnip.
The bartender says, "I can't serve you, you're underage." The cat meows, "But I'm over nine lives!"
What do you call a bartender who works seven days a week?
A workaholic.
Three friends walk into a bar, each ordering a drink. A fly lands in the first person's drink. He screams and demands a new drink. A fly lands in the second person's drink. He calmly picks it out and continues drinking. A fly lands in the third person's drink.
He picks up the fly and yells, "Spit it out, you greedy bug!"
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender, "How much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Did you hear about the cannibal who walked into a bar?
He ordered the bartender's lunch.
A man walks into a bar carrying a small alligator. He sets the alligator on the bar and asks, "Bartender, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, I haven't. But I have seen a small, portable alligator before." The man says, "Oh, good. Then you know the rules."
What's the best thing about having a bartender as a friend?
You never have to pay for bad decisions.