50+ Hilarious Blonde Jokes. Witty, Dirty, and Certified!
Welcome to the definitive barn of blonde humor! We've collected only the funniest blonde jokes — from classic gags to the newest witty one-liners. If you're looking for the best selection of dirty blonde jokes and short blonde humor that will make you laugh out loud, you've found the right spot. Get ready for hours of entertainment and a massive collection of humor certified with the highest 'Feed Grade' rating.
What does a blonde say when you ask her to spell Mississippi?
"The river or the state?"
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
A blonde calls 911 because her car door is locked and her baby is inside.
She says, "Hurry! It started raining and the convertible top is down!"
How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's correction fluid on the screen.
Why did the blonde quit her job as a traffic cop?
She kept telling people to move *backwards* instead of forward.
A blonde tells her doctor she's pregnant and asks, "When does it stop wiggling?"
The doctor says, "When the baby is born." She replies, "But I haven't even told my husband yet!"
A blonde is locked out of her apartment. She calls her roommate and says, "The key is under the mat, but I can't get it."
The roommate asks, "Why not?" The blonde says, "I'm standing on the mat!"
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
Because she threw away all the W's.
A blonde is confused in the grocery store. The manager asks if she needs help.
She says, "I can't find the apples. I only see signs for Gala, Fuji, and Granny Smith!"
A blonde is excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months.
The box said '2 to 4 years'!
A blonde bought two horses: one named Friday and one named Saturday.
She told her friend, "I can't wait to ride them on Friday and Saturday!"
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
She heard the drinks were on the house.
A blonde was so proud after she completed a 500-piece puzzle in just 5 weeks.
The box said, "From 2 to 4 years."
What do you call a blonde who lost 90% of her intelligence?
A divorcée.
A blonde is having trouble finding her husband in a crowd. She calls him and asks, "Where are you?"
He replies, "I'm standing right in front of you, you idiot!" She says, "I know, but which one are you?"
Why did the blonde get fired from the bookstore?
She couldn't find her favorite book—the one with the pages that stick together.
What's the best way to get a blonde's attention?
Just look confused and make loud noises.
A blonde runs into a convenience store and shouts, "Give me all your money! My partner is waiting outside!"
She runs out and shouts, "Did you hear me? My *partner* is waiting! Now which way is the freeway?"
Why don't blondes wear thongs?
Because they keep getting wedgies.
What is the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
When you drop your load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around all day.
A blonde calls the police and says, "There's a lion outside my house!"
The officer says, "Don't worry, they only eat meat." The blonde replies, "But I don't have any!"
Why did the blonde pour water over her computer keyboard?
She heard it was a *liquid* crystal display.
A blonde calls a restaurant to order a pizza. The waiter asks if she wants it cut into 6 slices or 12.
The blonde says, "Six, please. I could never eat 12 pieces!"
Why did the blonde climb the fence with a loaf of bread?
She was going to jump the border.
What does a blonde do after she finishes a jigsaw puzzle?
She tries to put the pieces back in the box.
A blonde sees a sign that says "Wet Floor."
She calls her friend and says, "The floor is wet. That must be where the water runs out of the wall!"
Why did the blonde throw the clock out the window?
She wanted to see time fly.
A blonde tries to use a paper clip to open her car door.
Her friend says, "That won't work." The blonde replies, "You're right, I broke my nail."
What do you call a fly buzzing around a blonde's head?
A space invader.
Why did the blonde get fired from the elevator company?
She didn't know the routes, so she just took all the steps.
A blonde is driving and her car breaks down. She remembers her dad telling her, "When a car breaks down, you need to check the belt."
She goes to the back, opens the trunk, and finds her seatbelt. She cuts it off, gets back in the car, and says, "There, now what?"
A blonde wants to enter a contest where the grand prize is a million dollars. The only task is to hold a brick over her head for one hour.
After thirty minutes, she gives up. When asked why, she says, "I was afraid of the competition. Someone else might have given up earlier."
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing a box of Cap'n Crunch?
The box said, 'Open here for free prize inside!'
How do you confuse a blonde?
Put her in a round room and tell her to find the corner.
A blonde is walking down the street carrying a car door. A man asks, "Why are you carrying that?"
She says, "Well, if I get hot, I can just roll down the window!"
A blonde brings a pair of dice to her doctor's appointment. The doctor asks why.
She says, "I have high blood pressure, and I heard I should roll the dice to see what happens."
What is the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
Introduces herself to the man next to her.
A blonde takes two suitcases to the airport. One says 'Clothes' and the other says 'Gifts.'
The agent says, "Ma'am, the bags are labeled incorrectly. They both contain clothes." She says, "No, the 'Gifts' one is my husband's."
How did the blonde get a concussion from a book?
She was reading about a knockout punch.
A blonde sees a sign that says, 'Clean restrooms are for patrons only.'
She buys a pack of cigarettes and immediately goes to the bathroom.
What does a blonde do when she gets to the bottom of the escalator?
She stands on the first step, confused about where to go next.
A blonde is walking through the woods and sees a trail of footprints. She calls the police.
She says, "I found a trail of footprints, but they're all leading back to the beginning!"
Why do blondes always carry a slice of bread in their purse?
In case they need to feed the ducks on their way to the bar.
A blonde is locked in her pantry with a can of soda and a box of crackers. She calls her boyfriend screaming.
He calms her down and asks why she can't just open the door. She says, "I can't! There's no lock on the inside!"
Why did the blonde keep taking her clothes off at the ATM?
The screen said, "Please enter your pin."
What is the difference between a blonde and a squirrel?
A squirrel can store nuts.
A blonde hears the forecast is going to be seven inches of snow.
She panics and calls her dad. "I can't fit seven inches in my mouth!"
A blonde is driving and sees a sign that says, "Go Left for Zoo."
She stops the car, gets out, and starts yelling, "GO ZOO! GO ZOO!"
Why did the blonde get excited when she finished a crossword puzzle?
She was sure she invented a new language.
A blonde sees a sign that says, "DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE."
She asks her friend, "Why are they selling high-end luxury cars here?"