Sleighing your dignity with the funniest Christmas jokes!
Ho ho holy crap. Welcome to the North Pole of depravity. We've compiled 50 of the funniest Christmas Jokes focused on Santa's naughty list, questionable elf behavior, and holiday hangovers. This collection of Christmas Jokes is certified high-impact adult humor, ensuring your holiday spirit stays appropriately filthy on Ultra Donkey. When the Barn Boss gets into the eggnog, the jokes get wild!
Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What’s the difference between Santa and a tiger?
One has dirty claws, and the other has Santa Claus.
Why does Santa go down the chimney?
Because Mrs. Claus won't let him use the front door after what happened with the neighbor's sister.
What do you call an elf who wins the lottery?
Welfy.
Why did the ornament go to jail?
Because it was framed!
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why did Santa’s helper see a doctor?
Because he had low "elf" esteem.
How is Christmas like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
What did Santa say when he walked into a second-hand shop?
"Ho ho ho-ly cow, I gave that away ten years ago!"
Why was the Christmas tree so bad at knitting?
It kept dropping its needles.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite.
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho, ho, ho.
What did the reindeer say before launching into a joke?
"This one will really sleigh you!"
What do you call a greedy elf?
Elfish.
What is Santa's favorite state to deliver to?
Ida-ho, Ida-ho, Ida-ho!
Why was the snowman looking through the carrots at the grocery store?
He was picking his nose.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A skeptic-elf.
Why did Santa go to music school?
Because he wanted to improve his wrapping skills.
How do you know Santa is a man?
He shows up once a year, leaves a mess, and expects a thank-you note.
What do you call it when Santa claps his hands?
A Sant-applause.
Why are Santa’s reindeer always wet?
Because they are rain-deer.
Why doesn’t Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.
What do you call Santa when he takes a break?
Santa Pause.
What did the ghost say to the Christmas tree?
"I'm here to spruce things up!"
Why did Santa Claus get a ticket on Christmas Eve?
Because he left his sleigh in a "No Sleigh-ing" zone while visiting a "special" friend.
What do you call an elf that runs away from the North Pole to become a stripper?
A "Shelf" dancer.
Why is the North Pole so cold?
Because everyone there is trying to keep their "snow-balls" from melting.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.
Why did Mrs. Claus hire a private investigator?
She wanted to know exactly why Santa was "checking his list twice" at the local dive bar.
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snow-balls.
Why does Santa always carry a large sack?
Because he only comes once a year, and it’s a lot of built-up pressure.
What do you call Santa when he’s broke?
Saint Nickel-less.
Why are elves such good lovers?
Because they’re used to working in small spaces.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
I have no eye-deer.
Why was the stocking so tired?
Because it was stuffed all night long.
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues.
Why did the elf get fired from the toy factory?
He kept putting "batteries not included" in the vibrators.
What’s Santa’s favorite kind of pizza?
One that’s deep-pan, crisp, and even.
What is the most disappointing thing about Christmas?
Realizing that the "Big Package" Santa promised was just a pair of socks.
Why did the snowman drop his pants?
He heard the snow-plow was coming.
What do you call an elf who can't stop talking about himself?
An elf-centered jerk.
Why doesn’t Santa use Tinder?
Because he’s already mastered the art of "sliding into the DMs" (Down the Mantle).
What did the reindeer say to the elf who owed him money?
"I’m tired of your 'short' excuses. Pay up!"
Why did Santa go to jail on December 26th?
For breaking and entering, and empty-ing his sack where he wasn't invited.
What do you call a collection of dirty Christmas jokes?
The "Naughty List" Best-Seller.
How do you help a snowman who has a mid-life crisis?
Give him a hairdryer and tell him to end it all quickly.
Why was the elf so good at blackjack?
Because he was always hitting on the dealer.
What do you call it when Santa gets stuck in a chimney for four hours?
Claustrophobia.
What did the naughty boy say to Santa?
"I'll trade you my sister's phone number for a new PlayStation."