Best Doctor Jokes. The Only Cure for a Bad Day!
Welcome to the clinic of comedy! We’ve diagnosed a massive collection of the best doctor jokes and funny medical humor. Whether you’re looking for short doctor jokes to share at the office or long gags about bad bedside manner and ridiculous diagnoses, this is your prescription for guaranteed, hilarious laughs. Don't worry, the co-pay is free!
A surgeon walks into a bar and orders a cocktail. He sees a colleague across the room and shouts, "Hey, I hear you're the best surgeon in the hospital!"
The colleague replies, "No, you're mistaken. I'm just the one who never gets caught."
A man tells his doctor, "I'm worried about my wife's snoring. It's so loud it wakes up the entire street!"
The doctor says, "Take this sleeping pill. It will help you sleep." The man says, "But what about my wife?" The doctor replies, "Let the street worry about her."
What is a doctor's favorite phrase?
"That'll be $200."
A woman asks her doctor, "Do you have any advice for me to stop gaining weight?"
The doctor says, "Yes, ma'am. Avoid anything that requires you to open the refrigerator."
Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
In case he needed to draw blood.
A man rushes into the ER holding his eye. "Doctor, I need help! I just swallowed a twenty-dollar bill!"
The doctor calmly says, "Relax, we're not in the ICU. Let's see what develops."
A man tells his doctor, "I hear voices, but only when I'm on the phone."
The doctor replies, "That's not a condition, that's called a long-distance relationship."
What do you call a doctor who treats ducks?
A quack.
A patient says, "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
The doctor asks, "Why?" The patient says, "Because when I close my eyes, I can't see anything."
A patient goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I feel like a set of curtains."
The doctor says, "Pull yourself together!"
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
Doctor, I have a lump that is throbbing!
That's just a reminder that you're still alive.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I've swallowed my watch!"
The doctor replies, "Don't worry, we'll get it out. Just try to pass the time."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I'm losing my memory."
The doctor replies, "When did you first notice this?" The man says, "Notice what?"
What do you call a successful doctor?
A person who can make a living writing prescriptions that nobody can read.
A man goes to the doctor and explains he has a terrible fear of the waiting room.
The doctor says, "Don't worry, you'll be over it in no time! Now sit down and wait for three hours."
Doctor, I think I need help controlling my anger.
The doctor asks, "What's wrong with your anger?" The man screams, "I can't tell you, you idiot!"
Why are doctors always so calm during emergencies?
Because they have a high tolerance for patient stupidity.
A doctor tells his patient, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient says, "Give me the good news first." The doctor says, "You have 24 hours to live." The patient shouts, "That's the good news? What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "I should have told you yesterday."
What do you call a doctor who gives you a quick diagnosis?
A fast-talker.
A patient goes to the optometrist and says, "Doctor, I keep seeing colors!"
The optometrist says, "That's okay. You have a case of the blues."
What's the main difference between a doctor and God?
God doesn't think he's a doctor.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I need a new pair of testicles."
The doctor sighs, "I'm sorry, sir, but those are only available in a couple."
A guy goes to his doctor and says, "I feel like I'm invisible."
The doctor says, "I can't see you right now, please wait in the lobby."
Why did the doctor fail the spelling test?
He couldn't read his own handwriting.
A patient asks his doctor for something for his terrible hiccups.
The doctor jumps up and shouts, "Boo!" The patient, startled, says, "What was that for?" The doctor replies, "It was to cure your hiccups." The patient says, "But I still have them!" The doctor says, "Yes, but I cured the hiccups of the man behind you."
The doctor says, "I have good news: Your wife has stopped worrying about her weight."
The husband says, "That's great! What's the bad news?" The doctor says, "She's worried about your sanity now."
My doctor told me to start cutting back on my daily vices.
I told him I only have one: honesty.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I keep dreaming I'm a donkey."
The doctor says, "That's a very unusual condition. You need to come in for weekly check-ups." The man says, "How often?" The doctor says, "About once a week, you Hee-Haw!"
A doctor tells his patient, "I need to take a blood sample from you."
The patient replies, "No problem. Just tell me what time you'll have it back."
What is the difference between a doctor and a tailor?
One mends souls, and the other sews holes.
A doctor is furious with a patient who keeps coming late for appointments. "Why are you always so late?"
The patient says, "Well, every time I get here, the last time slot is 45 minutes after my scheduled time, so I figured I might as well get here late, too."
A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I have a problem. I keep singing 'It's Not Unusual' over and over."
The psychiatrist says, "That sounds like a severe case of Tom Jones syndrome."
The doctor says, "Your cholesterol is too high. You need to cut back on the cheeseburgers."
The patient asks, "How many is too many?" The doctor replies, "More than 50 in one day."
My doctor told me I need more vitamin C.
So I ate an entire bag of oranges. I felt sick, but at least I saw the light.
A woman tells her psychiatrist, "My husband thinks he's a dog."
The doctor says, "That's fascinating! Bring him in immediately!" The woman sighs, "I can't. He's not allowed on the furniture."
My doctor says I have a condition called 'acute optimism.'
I told him I think it's the best diagnosis I've ever had.
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp, stinging pain in my eye."
The doctor asks, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup first?"
What is a doctor's least favorite food?
An apple.
A woman calls her doctor. "Doctor, I swallowed a magnet!"
The doctor says, "Don't worry, you'll feel attracted to your fridge soon."
My doctor advised me to start swimming for exercise.
I said, "But Doctor, I hate swimming!" He said, "I know, but you need to get used to the water. I have bad news about your basement."
A surgeon walks into an operating room and sees his patient is already prepped. He smiles and says, "Time to operate!"
The patient weakly lifts his hand and says, "Wait, Doc! Before you start, can I ask you a few questions about your fees?" The surgeon says, "Don't worry about the fees. We'll send the bill to your next of kin."
A man goes to the eye doctor and complains, "I see spots before my eyes!"
The doctor says, "Have you seen a psychiatrist?" The man replies, "No, just spots."
Why did the doctor bring a ladder to his office?
Because he wanted to climb the career path.
The patient asks, "Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after this operation?"
The doctor says, "Absolutely!" The patient exclaims, "Wonderful! I could never play before!"
A doctor tells his patient, "I have cured you of your addiction to checking your email every five minutes."
The patient says, "That's great, but how did you do it?" The doctor replies, "I deleted your email account."
The doctor says, "I'm prescribing you a diet of nothing but wine and cheese."
The patient asks, "Will I lose weight?" The doctor replies, "No, but you'll be happier when you die."
Why did the doctor get fired from the hospital?
Because he only had patience for jokes.
A man goes to the plastic surgeon and says, "I want to look exactly like the man next to me."
The surgeon says, "That's strange, the man next to you wants to look like the man next to him."
My doctor told me I need to stop thinking I'm a superhero.
I told him I'd try, but it's going to be a struggle since I don't have a cape.
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but we need to remove your tonsils."
The patient replies, "I'm sorry, Doctor, but I can't let you. I still need them to gargle."
A patient goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from an excess of caution."
The doctor says, "In that case, let's wait a few months and see if it gets worse."
A doctor asks his patient, "Have you seen a psychiatrist?"
The patient replies, "No, but I hear they have great furniture in the waiting room."
My doctor says I have a rare condition where I constantly need to finish things.
I told him I'm happy to finish the consultation, but first, I need to finish this...
A cardiologist walks into a room with a friend and points to a patient hooked up to monitors. "See that guy?" he whispers.
"He's been lying to me for years about his diet. I'm going to ruin his life." The friend asks, "By telling him he's sick?" The cardiologist says, "No, by making him pay in cash."