Patient: "Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after this operation?"
Doctor: "Certainly!" / Patient: "That’s amazing! I could never play it before."
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks...
"Great, some jerk has my pen."
The doctor says to the patient, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you have a disease named after you."
The patient asks, "What's the bad news?" / Doctor: "It's incurable."
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his "ghoul-bladder" removed.
What do you call a nurse who is tired of her job?
A "re-tired" nurse.
A guy wakes up after surgery and says, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replies, "I know. We had to amputate your arms."
What is the difference between a hospital and a hotel?
In a hotel, the service is better. In a hospital, the "guests" never want to stay for breakfast.
Patient: "Nurse, I keep seeing spots before my eyes."
Nurse: "Have you seen a doctor?" / Patient: "No, just the spots."
Why did the robot go to the hospital?
Because it had a virus!
What did the tonsil say to the other tonsil?
"Get dressed! The doctor is taking us out tonight."
A man goes to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but you have very little time left."
The man asks, "How long?" The doctor says, "Ten." / "Ten what? Months? Weeks?" / Doctor: "Nine, eight, seven..."
Why was the patient always so calm?
Because he was in the "intensive care" unit!
What's the best thing about being a hospital patient?
You get to wear those fancy gowns that let everyone know your business.
Doctor: "I have some bad news. You have amnesia and cancer."
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
Why did the hospital hire a comedian?
To keep the patients in stitches!
Nurse: "How are you feeling today?"
Patient: "Like a new man! But my wife says she likes the old one better."
What do you call a doctor who is always in a hurry?
An "urgent" care physician.
A patient complains to his nurse that he can’t sleep.
The nurse gives him a sleeping pill and says, "Take this. It'll make you feel like you're in a dream." / Patient: "I'm already in a dream—it's called a hospital bill."
Why do hospitals have air conditioning?
To keep the "cool" patients from melting.
What happened to the man who swallowed a dictionary?
The doctor said he was in "stable" condition.
Patient: "I’m scared, doctor. This is my first operation."
Doctor: "Don't worry. It's mine too."
Why was the man in the hospital bed so popular?
Because he was a real "patient" listener.
A man goes into surgery. The surgeon says, "Don't worry, Scott. It's just a simple procedure."
The patient says, "But my name isn't Scott." / Surgeon: "I know. I'm Scott."
What do you call a medical professional who is always on the phone?
A "cell"ular nurse.
Why did the nurse bring a red pen to work?
In case she needed to "draw" blood.
Patient: "Doctor, I’m addicted to Twitter!"
Doctor: "I’m sorry, I don't follow you."
Why did the doctor tell the patient to go to the back of the hospital?
Because he needed some "rear" rest.
A man is recovering from surgery. The doctor says, "You’re doing great, but avoid heavy lifting for a few weeks."
The man says, "That’s fine, I never liked my mother-in-law anyway."
What do you call a doctor who is also a DJ?
A "Spin" doctor.
Patient: "Doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar."
Doctor: "I find that very hard to believe."
Why did the man get kicked out of the hospital pharmacy?
Because he was caught trying to steal "sleeping" pills—he just wanted a nap!
What's the difference between a hematologist and an optimist?
The hematologist knows that things are always "in the blood."
A man rushes into the ER and screams, "I’m turning into a bridge!"
The nurse says, "What’s come over you?" / The man says, "Two cars and a truck!"
Why did the doctor give the man a glass of water after his surgery?
To see if his "plumbing" was still working.
Nurse: "The man in room 302 thinks he’s invisible."
Doctor: "Tell him I can’t see him right now."
How do you tell the difference between an oral surgeon and a regular dentist?
The oral surgeon has more "jaw-dropping" stories.
Why was the computer cold at the hospital?
It left its "Windows" open.
A patient says to his surgeon, "I’m so nervous, I’ve never had surgery before."
The surgeon says, "Don't worry, I’ve had it many times. It's not that bad."
What is the most common operation performed in a Lego hospital?
A "block" transplant.
Doctor: "You’re in excellent health. You’ll live to be 80!"
Patient: "I am 80." / Doctor: "See? I told you!"
Why do surgeons wear masks during surgery?
So if they mess up, the patient won't know who did it.
What did the doctor say to the man who swallowed a set of keys?
"We need to 'lock' you in a room until we find them."
Why did the hospital hire a baker?
Because they needed someone to help with the "rolls."
Patient: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a deck of cards."
Doctor: "I’ll deal with you later."
What do you call a nurse who can play the guitar?
A "Strum"-atologist.
Why was the patient in the hospital laughing so hard?
He had a "funny bone" fracture.
A man goes to the ER and says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth!"
The doctor says, "You need a psychiatrist, not an ER." / The man says, "I know, but your light was on."
What did the stethoscope say to the patient?
"I'm all ears!"
Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
To draw blood!
Patient: "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains."
Doctor: "Pull yourself together!"