Funny Lawyer Jokes. No Billable Hours!
Guilty of needing a laugh? We have assembled the best attorney jokes and funny lawyer jokes covering everything from greedy clients and dubious ethics to high fees and court room chaos. Whether you prefer short lawyer jokes or longer legal gags, this page offers definitive legal humor.
What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
"Your Honor."
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are all true stories.
What do lawyers and fishermen have in common?
They both use bait, and sometimes they get a fee.
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter stops him at the gate and says, "Sorry, we have no room for lawyers."
The lawyer replies, "I'll file a writ of mandamus, a temporary restraining order, and a lawsuit." St. Peter sighs, "Just go in."
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
After you die, the leech stops sucking your blood.
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under?
Because deep down, they're good people.
A lawyer asks a client, "Did you ever have a criminal record?"
The client replies, "No, but I had a long-play album that fell apart."
Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to the court?
He wanted to reach the highest court.
What's the difference between a cat and a lawyer?
The cat only has nine lives.
How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
A man goes to a lawyer and asks, "How much do you charge?"
The lawyer says, "I charge $500 to answer three questions." The man asks, "Isn't that a lot of money?" The lawyer replies, "Yes, it is. Now, what's your third question?"
What's a lawyer's favorite brand of soda?
Coke. (As in, they'll "coke" the truth.)
Why do lawyers call their wives "honey"?
Because they keep all the money.
An older lawyer and a younger lawyer walk past a magnificent mansion. The younger lawyer says, "Wow, what a house! Who owns that?"
The older lawyer says, "I'm not sure, but I think it belongs to one of our former clients."
What do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
A lawyer asks his client, "So, if you stole the money, where did it all go?"
The client replies, "I spent half of it on a beautiful diamond ring for my wife, and the other half went to your retainer."
What's the shortest lawyer joke?
An honest lawyer.
A lawyer is giving a motivational speech. "Remember," he says, "there are two sides to every story!"
A voice from the back yells, "Yes, and yours is always the billable one!"
A judge asks the defendant, "Why did you steal that money?"
The defendant answers, "Because I was broke, Your Honor. I needed money to pay my lawyer."
What is the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
A man's wife drowns in a boating accident. A week later, the man's lawyer sends a $1,000 bill.
The man calls the lawyer, shouting, "I didn't hire you! Why are you charging me?" The lawyer replies, "For the drowning. I handled the case."
Why did the lawyer get nervous at the airport?
He thought "objection" was a flight delay.
Did you hear about the new lawyer who opened his practice right next to the cemetery?
His slogan is, "Come to me first, or come to me last!"
What do you call a happy lawyer?
A successful defendant.
A client walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?"
The lawyer replies, "$1,000 for three questions." The client says, "Wow, that’s expensive! Can you just answer two questions?" The lawyer answers, "Yes. What is your second question?"
If you see a lawyer running, what should you do?
Trip him. It’s impossible to be sure why he is running, but it’s definitely for a good reason.
What do you call a lawyer specializing in bad puns?
A litigator.
A lawyer tells his colleague, "I just saved our client from death row! He was going to be executed."
The colleague asks, "That's amazing! How did you do it?" The first lawyer replies, "I convinced the judge to charge him $500 an hour instead."
A lawyer's wife told him she wanted a divorce. He said, "I'll draw up the papers."
She asked, "Wait, what about the kids?" He replied, "Don't worry, we'll rent them."
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't use the F-word?
Fired.
A client is thrilled after a legal victory and tells his lawyer, "I'm sending you a case of the best Scotch!"
The lawyer pauses and says, "Sir, a case of the *best* Scotch is a very generous gesture, but I'd prefer money."
What does a lawyer use to prove his point?
Other people's money.
An honest lawyer, a fair judge, and a talking donkey walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
A lawyer returns from lunch and finds his secretary distraught. "What's wrong?" he asks.
She says, "Your office was robbed! They took everything, even the coffee maker!" The lawyer replies, "Good, I never liked that coffee maker anyway."
What's the difference between a boxer and a lawyer?
A boxer hits you with his fist. A lawyer hits you with his fee.
Why did the lawyer refuse to represent the church?
He said he only deals with non-profit cases.
A lawyer rushes out of the courtroom, beaming. He shouts, "Justice has been served!"
His client, who is facing a heavy fine, asks, "What do you mean?" The lawyer says, "I just found a way to bill you for the whole afternoon."
What's a lawyer's favorite game?
Monopoly.
A lawyer asks his client, "Do you swear to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
The client replies, "I do, but my lawyer is going to object to everything I say."
If you have a lawyer and a plumber, and both are in front of you, which one do you trust?
The plumber. He only screws you once.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a lawyer?
A parasite that tries to give you advice while sucking your blood.
A lawyer decides to become a farmer. He buys a horse and carriage. His first crop fails.
He goes back to law, saying, "I knew I should have stuck with the cases I could settle out of court."
Why did the lawyer specialize in skydiving cases?
He loved working on open and shut cases.
What's the best lawyer joke in the world?
That lawyers have a sense of humor.
A man asks a lawyer, "How long will it take to settle my divorce?"
The lawyer replies, "About three months. Unless you have children. Then it will take three years and cost three fortunes."
A lawyer is standing trial for murder. The judge asks, "Did you do it?"
The lawyer replies, "No comment, pending my lawyer's approval."
What do you call a lawyer who keeps yelling "Objection!" in a movie theater?
A very lonely man.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a black hole?
A black hole stops sucking money after it kills you.
A lawyer approaches the witness stand. The judge says, "Please swear the witness in."
The lawyer says, "I'll do it, Your Honor, but he's going to hate it."