Best Relationship Jokes. Witty, Dirty, and Certified!
Welcome to the ultimate hub for relationship humor! We’ve gathered a huge collection of the best relationship jokes, covering everything from dating to divorce. Find witty marriage jokes and hilariously accurate husband and wife gags.
A husband comes home and finds his wife is packing a suitcase. He asks, "Where are you going?" She replies, "I heard about a place where they pay you $1000 for every intimate encounter."
The husband shrugs, "Well, I guess I'll miss you. But send a postcard, and call me when you run out of money."
My wife told me she wants a dog, so I went to the shelter.
When I brought it home, she said, "I thought you were bringing home a puppy." I said, "I did. This is what it looks like after a week with us."
The key to a long marriage is simple:
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight until you win.
My wife says I treat her like a trophy.
I told her she's mistaken. Trophies have fewer dust spots.
A newly married man asks his father for advice. "Dad, how do I get my wife to listen to me?"
The father replies, "It's easy. Just wait until she's talking, then interrupt her."
My husband is so useless in the kitchen.
He can't even open a box of wine without instructions.
A man goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife is an angel! She's beautiful, sweet, and pure. I love her, but she's always complaining."
The counselor says, "Well, if your wife is an angel, it's natural she wants to go home."
What is the primary difference between dating and marriage?
Dating is like a sales pitch; marriage is the permanent maintenance contract.
I told my wife I was having an affair with a vacuum cleaner.
She said, "Is this going to suck up all our money?"
Why do couples always finish each other's sentences?
Because they are married, and the argument is the only thing they have left in common.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
I asked my wife if she ever has fantasies about other men.
She said, "Only when I'm having sex with you."
My husband and I decided to get married for better or worse.
He couldn't have done any better, and I couldn't have done any worse.
I haven't slept with my wife for 15 years.
But I love her very much; it's just that I'm afraid of waking her up.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
My dating life is like a deck of cards.
I'm always looking for a Queen, but I keep pulling a joker.
I found a great cure for premature ejaculation.
It's called dating.
What is the difference between a lover and a husband?
About 45 minutes.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
So, we went to the movies. It was really awkward.
My husband and I love going on trips.
He loves to pack, and I love to go.
I asked my wife, "Is there anything you wish I had more of?"
She immediately replied, "Money, sanity, and sense."
Marriage is like a phone call.
You start by dialing a wrong number, and then you stay on the line for twenty years.
A man asks a priest, "Father, is it wrong to marry a woman you just met?"
The priest says, "It depends, son. Is she attractive and wealthy?" The man says, "Yes, Father, she's a saint."
My wife and I went out to eat last night.
The waitress asked my husband what he wanted, and he replied, "I'd like to get laid." Luckily, she took it as an appetizer request.
What's the best way to test your husband's memory?
Ask him what he wants for dinner tonight.
I told my wife I want her to start acting like a superhero.
She asked, "Which one?" I said, "The Invisible Woman."
A man and a woman are in bed. The phone rings and the man answers. "No, I'm not playing golf. I don't know why you thought that." He hangs up and turns to his wife.
"Thank God! That was my wife!"
Dating is like trying to find parking.
All the good spots are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
My wife and I have a great relationship.
We finish each other's sandwiches.
After a fight, the husband asks his wife, "Why is it always the husband who ends up apologizing first?"
She replies, "Because the wife remembers what the fight was about."
I told my wife I wanted a romantic dinner for two.
She said, "Fine, but who is the third person going to be?"
My wife and I have finally figured out the secret to a happy marriage.
We go out to dinner twice a week, hold hands, and we always sit in the same booth: me in the restaurant, and her in the bar.
A man wakes up and realizes he can hear everything his wife is thinking. The first thought he hears is, "I hate him. I wish he'd leave."
He runs into the kitchen and shouts, "Honey, I can read your mind!" His wife thinks, "Oh, good. Now he can read the grocery list I forgot to write."
I asked my wife, "Is my life insurance policy large enough to cover the cost of a funeral?"
She said, "Yes, and a few weeks of vacation afterward."
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest...
...maybe he’s too old to do it.
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because of my obsession with the number 10.
I said, "But honey, you're the only 10 for me!"
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He kept taking days off to spend time with his wife.
A husband asks his wife, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"
She says, "Well, I suppose. But if I died, would you remarry?" He replies, "No, I'd just stay home and be happy."
I accidentally swallowed some magnets when I was a kid.
Now I have a very attractive personality, which is the only thing my wife likes about me.
What's the best way to spice up your marriage?
A third partner—one who does the dishes.
I told my wife I needed to stop gambling.
She said, "You bet!"
I asked my wife, "Do you have any regrets about marrying me?"
She said, "Yes, marrying you was my second biggest mistake." I asked, "What was the first?" She replied, "Marrying my first husband."
What's the difference between a new husband and an old one?
The new one stays up all night trying to figure out how to please you; the old one stays up all night trying to figure out how to avoid you.
My husband is constantly threatening to leave me because of my addiction to social media.
I just shrug and say, "LOL, TTYL."
My wife told me she needs some space.
I told her to marry an astronaut.
A husband finds a note from his wife that says, "Dinner is on the table." He runs to the kitchen.
He finds a picture of a plate of food taped to the table with the caption: "Just kidding, eat out."
My dating profile says I'm a fun-loving, adventurous person who enjoys quiet nights in.
I'm trying to figure out how to put "I hate my ex and am desperate for validation" in the bio, too.
Marriage is a great institution...
...but who wants to live in an institution?
The only thing my husband and I disagree on is which one of us is more tired.
It's him, because he hasn't moved from the couch in three days.
A man goes to a fortune teller and asks, "How long will my wife and I be happy?"
The fortune teller says, "I see you and your wife are happy right up until the moment you ask that question."