A guy is sitting in a high-end restaurant and notices the waiter has a spoon in his shirt pocket. He asks why.
The waiter says, "The owner hired efficiency experts. They found 95% of customers drop their spoons. By carrying one, I save 10 miles of walking per shift." The guy then asks why there's a string hanging out of the waiter's zipper. The waiter whispers, "That's for the bathroom. I pull it to go, so I never have to touch anything, keeping things sanitary." The guy asks, "But how do you put it back?" The waiter sighs, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
"Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!"
"Well, sir, it was ground this morning."
A man orders a bowl of soup. When the waiter brings it, he has his thumb submerged in the broth. The man yells, "What are you doing with your thumb in my soup?!"
The waiter says, "The doctor told me to keep it warm to help with my arthritis." The man screams, "Well, why don't you stick it up your ass?!" The waiter shrugs, "I do, but I have to serve the soup eventually."
Why did the restaurant on the moon fail?
Great food, but no atmosphere.
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry, sir, the spider in your salad will catch him."
Why do chefs always have such big egos?
Because they spend all day being told their "special" is the best thing anyone has ever had.
A customer asks, "Do you have frog legs?"
The waiter says, "Yes, sir." The customer replies, "Good, then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!"
What do you call a restaurant that only serves cold, leftover meat?
The "Ex-Wife's Kitchen."
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?"
"It looks like the backstroke, sir."
Why did the man take a ladder to the restaurant?
He heard the drinks were on the house.
"Waiter, I'd like a bottle of wine, and make it a vintage."
The waiter brings a bottle and says, "Here you go, sir. 2024. A very good week."
Why do waiters like to work at the nudist resort restaurant?
Because they never have to worry about where to put the tips.
"Waiter, this steak is so rare, a good vet could still save it!"
"I'll go check if we have any surgeons in the kitchen, sir."
What’s the difference between a waiter and a philosopher?
A philosopher asks "Why?", but a waiter asks "Why me?"
A man complains, "Waiter, there’s no chicken in this chicken soup!"
The waiter replies, "Sir, do you expect to find a dog in a dog biscuit?"
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
"Waiter, I'm in a hurry. Will the pancakes be long?"
"No sir, they'll be round."
A woman asks the waiter, "Is the fish fresh?"
The waiter says, "Madam, if it were any fresher, I’d have to introduce you."
What do you call a customer who tips 1%?
Optimistic about his car's tire pressure tomorrow morning.
"Waiter, what is the 'Surprise of the Day'?"
"It's when you see the bill, sir."
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell everyone on the other side they're vegan.
"Waiter, this plate is wet!"
"That's the soup, sir."
What’s the fastest way to get a waiter’s attention?
Order something from a different restaurant.
Why don't restaurants ever hire skeletons?
They have no stomach for the complaints.
"Waiter, do you have any wild duck?"
"No sir, but we can take a tame one and irritate it for you."
A man is complaining about the microscopic portion size at a fancy bistro. "Waiter, this steak is tiny!"
The waiter sniffs and says, "Sir, at this establishment, we don't serve food; we serve 'concepts.'" The man replies, "Fine, then I'll pay you with the 'concept' of a twenty-dollar bill."
Why did the waitress get fired from the pancake house?
She kept flipping out on the customers.
"Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my salad!"
"I’m sorry, sir. We’re out of the live ones. Everyone wants the fresh protein today."
What do you call a waiter who only works on his own schedule?
An owner.
A guy asks the bartender, "Why is that man over there eating a bowl of nothing but onions?"
The bartender sighs, "He’s trying to find a way to make his wife cry for a change."
"Waiter, I can't eat this food! Call the manager!"
"It's no use, sir. He can't eat it either."
Why do they put "Please Wait to be Seated" signs in restaurants?
Because "Prepare to be Ignored for Twenty Minutes" was too long for the sign.
What's the difference between a new restaurant and a new marriage?
In a restaurant, the honeymoon period ends when the health inspector shows up.
"Waiter, this wine is terrible. Is it local?"
"Yes, sir. We crushed the grapes in the alley behind the dumpster this morning."
Why did the chef get arrested?
He was caught beating the eggs and whipping the cream.
A customer asks, "What’s the best thing on the menu?"
The waiter leans in and whispers, "The exit door."
"Waiter, there's a fly in my ice cream!"
"Well, I guess he’s trying to be the first fly to reach the South Pole, sir."
Why did the man take a GPS to the restaurant?
Because he heard the server was lost in the kitchen.
What do you call a steak that's been dropped on the floor?
The Sunday Special.
"Waiter, this soup is cold!"
"Thank you for noticing, sir. It’s our new eco-friendly initiative to save on gas."
Why did the man refuse to pay for his dinner at the seafood place?
He said the fish was so old, it should have been on a pension, not a plate.
What is a waiter’s favorite type of math?
Multiplication—specifically when the tip multiplies.
"Waiter, I found a button in my salad!"
"My apologies, sir. That’s part of our new 'button-down' dressing."
Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his soup?
He ate it before it was cool.
A man asks, "Do you serve people with bad attitudes here?"
The waiter snaps, "Sit down and shut up, we’ll get to you when we feel like it."
Why was the cook so stressed?
He had too much on his plate, and none of it was edible.
"Waiter, what’s this hair doing in my dessert?"
"It’s just a little bit of angel hair pasta that wandered off, sir."
What do you call a restaurant where the waiters are all dressed as pirates?
An over-priced tourist trap with terrible "Arrr-tichoke" dip.
"Waiter, can I have a table for one?"
"Certainly, sir. Would you like that near the window or in the 'lonely loser' section by the kitchen?"
Why did the man leave a $0 tip?
He said the service was so slow, his beard grew three inches between the appetizer and the check.