Teacher: "If I had 5 apples in one hand and 6 apples in the other, what would I have?"
Student: "Big hands, miss."
Why was the music teacher locked out of her classroom?
Because her keys were inside the piano!
Student: "I don't think I deserved a zero on this exam."
Teacher: "I agree, but it's the lowest grade I'm allowed to give."
What did the pencil say to the sharpener?
"Stop poking me! You're really starting to get to the point."
Why did the student bring a ladder to school?
Because he wanted to go to high school.
Teacher: "Where is your homework?" / Student: "I made it into a paper plane and someone hijacked it."
(Classic student excuse!)
Why are pirates so smart?
Because they spend years at "C"!
Teacher: "Who can tell me where the Declaration of Independence was signed?"
Student: "At the bottom, miss."
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because it had too many problems.
Teacher: "Give me a sentence starting with 'I'." / Student: "I is..." / Teacher: "No, always say 'I am'."
Student: "Okay. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Why did the girl wear glasses in math class?
Because it helps with "division."
What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," and the train says, "Chew, chew!"
Why did the M&M go to school?
Because he wanted to be a Smartie!
What is a teacher's favorite nation?
Expla-nation.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you call a student with a dictionary in his pocket?
Smartie pants.
How does a scientist freshen her breath?
With "experi-mints."
Teacher: "Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?" / Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What?" / Student: "You said it’s H to O!"
Why was the broom late for school?
It "over-swept"!
What do you get when you cross a teacher with a vampire?
A lot of blood tests.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
Because they're all in high school.
Student: "Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?" / Teacher: "Of course not."
Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses in the classroom?
Because her students were so bright.
What happens if a teacher loses her job?
She loses her "class."
Why did the music teacher go to jail?
Because he was caught with a "sharp" object and was in "treble."
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
Teacher: "If you have $10 and you ask your dad for $10, how much do you have?"
Student: "$10." / Teacher: "You don't know your math." / Student: "You don't know my dad."
What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles," because there is a mile between the two S's.
Why did the echo get detention?
It kept answering back.
Teacher: "What is the furthermost point on Earth?"
Student: "The one you are currently standing on, if I want to go home."
What is a librarian's favorite vegetable?
Quiet-peas.
Teacher: "Tell me one thing about the Dead Sea."
Student: "I didn't even know it was sick!"
What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?
A chicken.
Why did the boy bring a clock to school?
Because he wanted to "save time."
Teacher: "What do we call the person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Student: "A teacher!"
What kind of tree does a math teacher climb?
A geometry.
Why did the student go to the nurse after the geography test?
He had too many "maps" in his head.
What do you call a math teacher who can't count?
An "un-accountable" professional.
How do you get straight A's?
By using a ruler.
Teacher: "Name one important thing we have today that we didn't have 100 years ago."
Student: "Me!"
What is the king of all school supplies?
The ruler.
Teacher: "Where was the Magna Carta signed?"
Student: "On the bottom?" / Teacher: "Correct, but I meant geographically!"
Why did the circle get detention?
It was pointless.
What’s a school building’s favorite food?
Lunch-room service.
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 'the end' is?"
Student: "The last page of my textbook?"
Why do they call it a "grading" scale?
Because it "grates" on everyone's nerves.
Student: "I'm going to have a career in history."
Teacher: "Well, there's no future in that."
What do you call a student who is also a ghost?
A "spirit"ed learner.
Why did the sun go to school?
To get "brighter."
What do you call a teacher who forgot her lesson plan?
A "sub"-stitute teacher (for herself).