Fast, Witty One-Liners for Instant Punchlines!
Welcome to the barn! This page is dedicated entirely to the best short dirty jokes on the web. We've collected a massive selection of witty one-liners that are quick to read, easy to remember, and perfect for sharing. Forget those long, rambling stories — this page guarantees maximum laughs with minimum reading time.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time." I suggested the kitchen.
A guy walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a little man. He orders a beer, sets the man on the bar, and the little man starts playing an amazing jazz solo.
The bartender asks, "Where did you get that little guy?" The man says, "I found a genie who granted me two wishes. My first wish was for a tiny pianist." The bartender shrugs, "I wished for a ten-inch penis."
I found a great cure for premature ejaculation.
It's called dating.
The secret to a successful relationship is finding someone who can finish your...
...sandwich. What did you think I was going to say?
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a unicorn?
Nothing. They're both fictional characters.
My wife told me to put the cat out.
I said, "I didn't know it was on fire."
What has an entrance but no exit?
A pair of tight pants.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
The doctor replies, "That's because I amputated your arms."
How do you know when a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her stash and use it again.
I got arrested at the airport for trying to smuggle condoms.
They said I violated the no-fly zone.
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
My girlfriend told me she needs some space.
I told her to marry an astronaut.
I’m writing a book on reverse psychology.
Do not buy it.
I went to the zoo and saw a loaf of bread in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
What's the best part about being a doctor?
The penicillin.
I tried to make a surveillance camera out of a doughnut.
It kept getting frosting on the lens.
What's the difference between a government bond and a man?
The bond eventually matures and earns money.
I asked my husband if he remembered what day it was.
He said, "It's the day after I finish remodeling the bathroom."
What's the easiest way to get an honest answer from a lawyer?
Ask him about another lawyer.
My doctor told me I needed to stop having intimate dinners for one.
I guess they saw me eating soup in the bathtub again.
I told my doctor I thought I was a pair of curtains.
He told me to pull myself together.
My therapist told me I have intimacy issues.
I told him, "That's a personal matter."
How many people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change it, and four to film the reaction.
I got kicked out of the library for saying loudly...
... that the only novel I trust is a graphic novel.
Why did the woman keep running into the vending machine?
She was a vending machine addict.
I told my doctor I swallow my money.
He said, "That's not normal, but I'll write you a prescription for a financial laxative."
I bought my nephew a fridge for his birthday.
He said, "Thanks, but where am I going to put it?" I said, "Don't worry, it'll cool down the place."
I once dated a girl who was addicted to eating paper.
She tore through the entire library, but eventually she got better, thankfully.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke...
...but you didn't like it.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure it out."
He asks, "What is it?" She says, "Well, there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but all the pieces are black." He says, "It's Cheerios."
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
I invented a new word!
Plagiarism!
I told my wife the secret to a happy marriage is communication.
So she bought a parrot to talk to.
I went to a seafood disco last week.
And pulled a mussel.
I saw an ad for a wooden leg that costs almost nothing.
A peg leg, I guess.
I told my wife I needed to stop smoking because it causes so many health issues.
She said, "You should start by quitting talking to me."
My wife started crying during sex last night.
I think she thought the divorce papers were a napkin.
What do you call a guy who can't decide if he wants to play golf or fish?
A golfish man.
I asked a cashier if I could pay in pennies.
She said, "You're going to give me a lot of grief."
What's the difference between a pizza and a lawyer?
A pizza only feeds one family.
I accidentally swallowed some alphabet soup.
Now I have L.S.D.
My wife has the attention span of a goldfish.
And she only eats fish flakes.
Why did the barber win the race?
Because he took a shortcut.
I told my wife I wanted to go to the nudist beach.
She said, "You'll have to get rid of that flabby stomach first." I said, "I thought that was the point—they don't wear clothes!"