Best Funny Work Jokes. Kick Your 9-to-5 Up a Notch!
Welcome to the definitive place to kill time at work! This massive collection of the best workplace jokes covers every profession, boss, and Monday morning disaster. If you need funny work jokes to text to your coworkers or hilarious stories to make the day go faster, this is your source for guaranteed, adult work humor.
My boss said he'd give me a raise when I started treating my job like my family.
So I spent the next hour ignoring everyone, stealing food, and taking a nap in the storage closet.
I told my boss I needed to stop gambling.
He said, "You bet!"
What’s the difference between a boss and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
An employee approaches his CEO and says, "Sir, I deserve a salary increase. I now know the work of the three men who just quit!"
The CEO replies, "Then I'll just pay you what I was paying the first guy, since you're now doing his job."
Why did the office worker quit her job at the calendar factory?
She was tired of working only on dates.
A man is applying for a job at a factory. The foreman asks, "Do you have any experience with heavy machinery?"
The man replies, "Yes, sir! My last two jobs were running a stapler and a coffee machine." The foreman laughs, "That's not heavy machinery!" The man shrugs, "Well, try getting the coffee machine to work on a Monday."
I told my coworker I was planning to quit my job and travel the world.
He said, "Where are you going?" I replied, "I don't know, but the map shows the break room is really far away."
How do you know when your boss is having a good day?
He only yells at half the staff.
My job is secure.
No one else wants it.
A nervous man asks his manager for a day off. The manager says, "The only way you get a day off is if you can prove you have a serious medical condition."
The man lowers his voice, "Sir, I have a massive problem. I'm addicted to telling terrible work jokes." The manager says, "That's not a medical condition!" The man says, "It is, because it's terminal."
I told my doctor I wasn't feeling well. He asked if I was working too much.
I replied, "No, I'm working just enough to keep my job, but not enough to hurt myself."
I asked my coworker what he thought of the new company wellness initiative.
He said, "It's a great idea, but the only thing that makes me feel better is the bottle of whiskey in my desk."
My boss came up to me and asked, "How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want you showing up late every day!"
I said, "Well, sir, you only told me once, but I'll see if I can start showing up late more than once!"
My new coworker told me he was self-made.
I told him he should apply for a new warranty.
My boss said he didn't care if I was late, as long as I worked hard.
So I started showing up late, working hard, and leaving early. It didn't go well.
A manager walks into the breakroom and sees an employee lying on the floor. He asks, "What are you doing?"
The employee replies, "I was told to complete that last task on the floor."
I used to be a baker, but I quit because I was loafing around all day.
Now I'm an electrician, but I'm still not positive it's the right fit.
A construction worker rushes into the office and says, "Boss, I need the rest of the day off. My wife is going into labor!"
The boss replies, "Sure, but don't let it happen again!"
My coworker is always telling me I should work harder.
I told him, "I don't need to work hard. I have a lifetime membership to the unemployment office."
I asked my manager what my performance review would be like this year.
He said, "It's going to be a real eye-opener—for everyone who thought you were doing a good job."
I haven't talked to my coworker in two months.
It's not that I hate him, we just have different days off.
My boss said I need to embrace my creativity.
So I creatively found a way to take a two-hour lunch break without anyone noticing.
I told my manager I needed a mental health day.
He said, "If you're going to take a mental health day, make sure you take it on a day when you're not planning to use your brain."
A man goes for a job interview. The CEO asks, "What do you consider your greatest weakness?"
The man replies, "My honesty." The CEO says, "I don't think that's a weakness." The man replies, "I don't care what you think, old man."
Why did the security guard quit his job?
He was tired of watching everyone leave.
My job is great. It's like a roller coaster.
It has its ups and downs, and I feel sick every time I get off.
An employee is late for work and his boss asks, "Why are you late again?"
The employee says, "It was my car, sir. I dropped my lucky quarter and it rolled under the seat, and I couldn't get it out." The boss says, "You wasted an hour for a quarter?" The employee replies, "Yes, sir. But it was a gold-plated one."
My boss just told me I need to improve my attention to detail.
I replied, "Wait, what's a detail?"
A man is complaining to his friend, "My boss is unbelievable. He yells at me all day, gives me impossible deadlines, and pays me nothing."
The friend says, "Why don't you quit?" The man replies, "I can't. He gave me three months' notice before he retires."
My biggest fear about going back to work after a vacation...
...is realizing I don't need this job.
I’m currently interviewing for a job where my main responsibilities are:
Looking busy, answering emails, and counting down to quitting time.
A maintenance worker calls his boss: "Boss, I can’t come in today. I broke my leg." The boss shouts, "What? You know you can still come in! We'll just put you on light duty."
The worker replies, "Well, I guess I can do the paperwork, but I can't put out the fire. I broke my leg trying to jump out of the burning building!"
My coworker always claims his computer is slow.
I told him, "Maybe it’s not the computer, maybe it’s your enthusiasm."
My boss said my punctuality needs improvement.
I said, "I'm always on time, just not on time *for work*."
My biggest problem at work is not the job itself.
It's my inability to find an adequate hiding spot for the whiskey.
A guy working at a deli counter goes to his manager and says, "Sir, I think I need a break. I'm exhausted."
The manager replies, "I'm sorry, we can't let you leave. We need all hands on deli."
A businessman walks into his office and sees a monkey sitting on his chair, doing his paperwork. He calls his manager.
"Why is there a monkey doing my job?" The manager says, "Well, the monkey has a better work ethic, he's cheaper, and he smells better than you do, Bob."
What do you call a successful worker who is always on time and never complains?
A machine.
I was fired from my job at the hot dog stand because I kept giving away the condiments for free.
I told my boss I didn't care because I had a better mustard plan.
My boss said I need to start focusing on my goals.
I said, "I have one goal: to leave work on time." He said, "That's not a goal, that's a dream."
I told my boss I have a recurring dream where he fires me.
He said, "Don't worry, I dream about it every night, too."
A man goes to his manager and complains, "I'm doing the work of three people, but you only pay me for one!"
The manager replies, "That's not true! I pay you for two people, but you only show up for one."
My coworker always says, "Teamwork makes the dream work."
I told him my dream is to be rich enough to never have to work with him again.
I saw my boss carrying a sign that said, "Will Work for Food."
I asked, "Sir, are you leaving the company?" He replied, "No, I'm just looking for lunch."
Why did the baker get fired from the construction site?
He spent all day mixing cement when he was supposed to be baking bread.
I asked my boss for an appraisal. He looked me up and down and said, "You are worth less than I thought."
I said, "Well, that's what happens when you buy a fixer-upper."
A man in a coffee shop tells his friend, "I hate my job. I’m thinking of applying at that new farm nearby." The friend asks, "What makes you think you'd be good at farming?"
The man replies, "Well, they’re hiring people to deal with manure, and I’ve been dealing with that for ten years in my current job."
What do you call a highly skilled manager who consistently hits targets?
A very rare unicorn.
I asked my coworker why he wears a helmet to work.
He said, "It's not for safety. It's to keep my head from exploding when the boss starts talking about 'synergy.'"
My boss told me to come up with three creative ways to increase productivity.
I suggested a coffee bar, a nap room, and a raise. He only agreed to the coffee bar.